Shared Top Border

1. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

2. A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

3. A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Moshi, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."

4. A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity.
Teacher: "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"
Child: "In the Garden of Eden?"

5. A tear shed can say more than a hundred words spoken.

6. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number..." replied the girl.

7. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is that they are usually married to each other.

8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

9. A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said: "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said: "Don't kid me, Mom. I know they're my feet."

10. A tree never hits a car except in self-defense.

11. A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

12. A true friend walks in when the world walks out.

13. At Talmud Torah they were teaching how G-d created everything, including human beings. Little Moshe seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Moshe, what is the matter? Little Moshe responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

14. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

15. A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

16. A wise man may look ridiculous in the company of fools.

17. A wise man sees as much as he should, not as much as he can.

18. A wise person escapes temptation and leaves no forwarding address.

19. A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

20. A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.

21. A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."

22. A young rabbi sitting down to dinner was about to Bench when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from countless refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously. "It seems to me that we've blessed all this stuff before."

23. 43% of all statistics are worthless.7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

24. A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

25. A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.

26. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

27. A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."

28. We destroy our enemies when we make them our friends.

29. A brook would lose its song if G-d removed the rocks.

30. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

31. A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

32. A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

33. A careless word may kindle strife.
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A timely word may level stress.
A loving word may heal and bless.

34. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

35. A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

36. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

37. A closed mind is a good thing to lose.

38. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decides that nothing can be done.

39. A compliment is a statement of an agreeable truth; flattery is the statement of an agreeable untruth.

40. A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.

41. A conference is a gathering of important people who individually can't do anything but together can decide that nothing can be done.

42. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

43. A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.

44. A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

45. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

46. Adolescence and snow are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

47. A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.

48. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

49. A fair face may fade, but a beautiful soul lasts forever.

50. A fall will always make a wise man wiser.

51. A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

52. A teacher said to his student, "When Abe Lincoln was your age; he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The student replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."

53. A five year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to say a brocho for his meal.
He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night."
His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.

54. A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked. “No,” he replied. “It stands for Unleaded Fuel Only.”

55. Be as friendly to the janitor as you are to the chairman of the board.

56. Beautiful hands are those that do deeds that are noble, good, and true.

57. Beauty is only skin deep...but ugliness goes all the way to the bone!

58. Be careful of the words you say,
and keep them soft and sweet.
For you never know from day to day,
which ones you'll have to eat.

59. Be careful of your thoughts, for they may become words at any moment.

60. Before you point your fingers make sure your hands are clean

61. Behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his image.

62. Being cool, is not trying to be cool.

63. Being right is highly overrated. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

64. Being yourself is being the person everyone else wants you to be.

65. Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

66. Best friends don't ask you: "Is something wrong?"
Best friends ask you: "What’s wrong?"

67. Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

68.

Better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness.

69. Better to remain silent and be thought of as a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

70. Big doesn't necessarily mean better, sunflowers aren't better than violets.

71. Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays live the longest.

72. Blessed are the flexible, for even the mightiest winds cannot uproot a reed. (Gemorah Taanis )

73. Blessed is he who doesn't show hatefulness over what is lost, but instead, shows gratefulness over what is left.

74. Blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.

75. Boredom usually sets into boring minds.

76. Borrow money from pessimists, for they don't expect it back.

77. Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

78. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

79. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

80. As intelligence increases speech decreases.

81. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

82. Ask a question and you're a fool for a while; do not ask a question and you're a fool forever.

83. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

84. A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

85. A truth is not hard to kill. … a lie told well is immortal.

86. As newspapers and the media increase, our morals decrease.

87. I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

88. The lack of money is the root of all evil.

89. As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind.

90.

A smile is a curve that sets things straight.

91. A smile is worth a fortune, but you can't sell it, you can't buy it and you can't steal it, but it isn't good to anyone until it is given away.

92. A smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your teeth are crooked.

93. A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system of the head and the heating system of the heart.

94. A smile on your face can be felt on another’s heart.

95. A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.

96. A student writes a letter via telegram to his Dad . . .
It goes . . . no fun, send mon, your Son!
Dad write back saying . . . so sad, too bad, your Dad!

97. A rebbe asked the children just before he dismissed them to go to shul, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in shul?" Avromie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

98. A sweater is usually put on a child when the parent feels chilly.

99. A rebbi affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.

100. A teacher asked her students if they could use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence.
Little Moshe was a smartly, so he answered with, " De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."

101. Challenges can be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. It's just a matter of how you view them.

102. Changing one thing for the better is worth more than proving a thousand things are wrong.

103. Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.

104. Character is what a person is in the dark.

105. Cheerfulness is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a "carrier".

106. Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

107. Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath.

108. Children go through four life stages with dads: 1) They call you da-da. 2) They call you daddy.3) They call you dad. 4) They call you collect.

109. Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.

110. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

111. Shul is the only place I know, where I can arrive late and get the best seats in the house!

112. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.

113. Coincidence is when G-d chooses to remain anonymous.

114. Come, work for G-d. The work is hard, and the hours very long. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

115. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

116. Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

117. Consider how hard it is to change yourself; and you will understand what little chance you have trying to change others.

118. Constant use will wear out anything... especially friends.

119.                     Count your joys             instead of your woes.
Count your friends                instead of your foes.
Count your courage              instead of your fears,
Count your laughs                 instead of your tears.
Count your full years     instead of your lean.
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
Count your health instead of your wealth,
Count on G-d         instead of yourself.

120. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak.
Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

121. Criticism should always leave people with the feeling that they have been helped.

122. Cultivate money and you grow rich.
Cultivate mind and you raise culture.

123. Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only life can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.

124. Dear G-d, help me to guard my tongue and learn to say the right thing at the right time for the right reason in the right way. Help me, too, to know when to keep my mouth shut.

125. Dear G-d,
So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, G-d,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.

126. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

127. Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.

128. Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.

129. Dedication is not what others expect of you; it is what you can give to others.

130. Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it.

131. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this Bull before!

132. Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

133. Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.

134. Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

135. Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
He's all right now

136. Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

137. Dieting is wishful shrinking.

138. Digital Wisdom: Affirm brain on-line before opening mouth.com.

139. Diplomacy; the art of letting someone have your own way.

140. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

141. Discipline without freedom is tyranny.
Freedom without discipline is chaos.

142. Do all you should, not all you could.

143. Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out.
Can you give me something to keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?

144. Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet.
What shall I do?
Well, for a start, don't point him at me.

145. Doctor: "Ever had an accident?"
Rancher: "No."
Doctor: "Never had an accident in your whole life?"
Rancher: "Well, last spring I was out in the pasture and a bull tossed me over the fence."
Doctor: "And you don't call that an accident?"
Rancher: "No. I think the bull did it on purpose."

146. Doing a thing wrong for a long period of time gives it the superficial appearance of being right.

147. Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you.

148. Don't be afraid of opposition; Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind.

149. Don't be afraid of the dark; be afraid of what it hides.

150. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.

151. Don't be angry at a friend who told your secret, for neither could you keep it to yourself.

152. Don't be concerned that others don’t appreciate you. Be concerned about your not appreciating others.

153. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

154. Don't believe them who say that they will follow you like your shadow; because shadows disappear in darkness.

155. Don't be so humble, you're not that great.

156. Don't count the days, make the days count.

157. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

158. Don't ever slam a door- you may want to go back.

159. Don't find fault, find a remedy.

160. Don't get married only because of the money. You can borrow it cheaper.

161. Don't grieve that your roses have thorns.
Rejoice instead that your thorns have roses.

162. Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

163. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.

164. Don't let time take control of your destiny. Let your destiny take control of your time.

165. Don't let you mind wander. It is too little to be left alone.

166. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been but also where you're going.

167. Don't save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead;

Do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead.

168. Don't say" if I could, I would".
Say instead "If I can, I will".

169. Don't seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise: seek what they sought.

170. Don't stand in a place of danger trusting in miracles. Gemora

171. Don't tell a man how to do a thing. Tell him what you want done, and he'll surprise you with his ingenuity.

279. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

280. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

281. I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it.

282. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

283. I'd rather do something and fail than do nothing and succeed!

284. If all else fails, read the directions.

285. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

286. If evolution was true, mothers would have more than two hands.

287. If G-d is your co-pilot, switch seats with Him!

288. If he was any slower, he'd be going in reverse.

289. I find it fascinating that most people plan their vacations with better care than they plan their lives.
Perhaps that is because escape is easier than change.

290. If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

291. If life deals you a lemon, make lemonade.

292. If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.

293. If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.

294. If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

295. If there is light in the soul,
There will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
There will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
There will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world.

296. If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm.

297. If we don't control our money, it will control us.

298. If we don't know our own history, we are doomed to live it.

299. If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, you are all right.

300. If you believe everything you read, don't read

301. If you came and you found a strange man teaching your kids to punch each other, or trying to sell them all kinds of products, you'd kick him right out of the house, but here you are; you come in and the TV is on, and you don't think twice about it.

302. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

303. If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?

304. If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

305. If you can't say something nice, become a reporter.

306. If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.

307. If you depend on others to make you happy, you will be endlessly disappointed.

308. If you don't have time to do it right, you must have time to do it over.

309. If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.

310. If you don't know where you're going how do you expect to get there?

311. If you don't like something about yourself, change it. If you can't change it, accept it.

312. If you don't want your children to hear what you're saying, pretend you're speaking directly to them.

313. If you ever need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.

314. If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.

315. If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead, and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

316. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.

317. If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.

318. If you have the desire, you are halfway there.

319. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

320. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably well worth it.

321. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

322. If you set the example, you won't need to set many rules.

323. If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

324. If you step in a puddle, don't blame the puddle.

325. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

326. If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur.

327. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

328. If you want breakfast in bed, then start sleeping in the kitchen.

329. If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

330. If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.

331. If you want something done, ask someone who is busy!

332. If you want to be well liked never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.

333. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.

334. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

335. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

336. If you your lips would keep from slips,
Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak,
And how and when and where.

337. If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

338. I have discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week, and the government spends seven.

339. I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

340. I have no problem keeping secrets. It's the people I tell...

341. I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.

342. I just got lost in thought. . . . It was in unfamiliar territory.

343. I just want to turn on the light and have it work...I don't want to know where the electricity comes from.

344. I know Karate! ...and several other Japanese words.

345. I know you know what I think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

346. I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

347. I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting system through which G-d speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in.

348. I love you 2 day,
I love you 2 morrow,
I love you 4 ever.

349. Imagination is intelligence having fun.

350. "I'm a lawyer."
.. "Honest?".
"No, the usual kind."

351. I'm serious; it was a joke.

352. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

353. Information is giving out.
Communication is getting through.

354. I no longer worry about being a brilliant conversationalist. I simply try to be a good listener. I notice that people who do that are usually welcome wherever they go.

355. In our search for truth let us not be influenced by what is easiest to believe.

356. In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart.

357. Integrity is the cornerstone of trust.

358. Intelligence is like underwear, everyone has it but you don't have to show it off.

359. I once saw this sign on a diner wall: "I have an agreement with the bank: they don't fry hamburgers, and I don't cash checks."

360. I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.

361. "Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem with the world today?"
"I don't know and I don't care".

362. It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose.

363. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

364. I think if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day. I think that until about lunchtime.

365. It is always the ones who talk loudest who do the least.

366. It is amazing how many people want to live a long life, and yet so few want to grow old.

367. It is amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.

368. It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, and normal to ignore it.

369. It is a poor workman who blames his tools.

370. It is better to forget and smile, than to remember and be sad.

371. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.

372. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

373. It is hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

374. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

375. It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

376. It is impossible to overestimate the immense need that humans have to be listened to, understood, and taken seriously.

377. It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.

378. It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

379. It is not against the law to be stupid, but it is stupid to be against the law.

380. It is not always easy to....
apologize
begin over
take advice
be unselfish
keep trying
be considerate
think and then act
profit by mistakes
forgive and forget
.... but it usually pays.

381. It is not a war on drugs; it's a war on people who use drugs.

382. It is not how busy you are, but why you are busy- the bee is praised, the mosquito is swatted.

383. It is not how much we do, but how much love we put into doing it.
It is not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving.

384. It is not, how much you know...It is making the best use of what you know!

385. It is not the difference between people that is the difficulty; it is the indifference.

386. It is not the speaker who controls communication, but the listener.

387. It is not what a teenager knows that worries his parents. It's how he found out.

388. It is not what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

389. It is not your position that makes you happy or unhappy, it's your disposition.

390. It is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

391. It is seldom easy to do what's right or right to do what's easy.

392. It is strange how an earthquake 4,000 miles away seems less of a catastrophe than the first scratch on your new car.

393. It is taken me all my life to understand that it is not necessary to understand everything.

394. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

395. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

396. It takes more money to amuse todays children than it took to educate their parents.

397. It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

398. I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

399. I used to cry for I had no shoes to wear until I saw a man with no feet.

400. Learn to value all things only by the price they shall gain in eternity.

401. I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is a temporary situation.

402. I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way.

403. Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

404. Just because a person grows older, it doesn't mean he necessarily grows up.

405. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

406. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.

407. Keep your head and your heart in the right direction and you will not have to worry about your feet.

408. Killing time murders opportunities.

409. Kindness is a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the mute can speak.

410. Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless

411. Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you can't hold back.

412. Knowing what to say is not always necessary; just the presence of a caring friend can make a world of difference.

413. Knowing without reviewing is like plowing without sowing.

414. Knowledge is that which is acquired by learning.
Wisdom is, knowing what to do with it?

415. Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.

416. Language is the dress of thought.

417. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it!

418. Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.

419. Leaders help others to succeed.

420. Leadership is an opportunity to serve. It is not a trumpet call to self importance.

421. Learn from other people's mistakes, life isn't long enough to make them all yourself.

422. Learning history is easy. Learning its lessons is almost impossible.

423. Learn to listen, opportunity often knocks softly.

424. Let me give so much time to the improvement of myself that I shall have no time to criticize others.

425. Let perseverance be your engine and hope your fuel.

426. Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry.

427. Life is an echo.
What you send out - you get back.
What you give - you get.

428. Life is a roller coaster.
You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

429. Life is fragile ... handle with prayer.

430. Life is hard; no one makes it out alive.

431. Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know when you'll find a nut.

432. Life is like a ladder, the higher you climb, the more expansive your view is.

433. Life is like a mirror, if you frown at it, it frowns back; if you smile, it returns the greeting.

434. Life is like an onion. You peel it off layer by layer and sometimes you cry.

435. Life is really a bed of roses, others are just lucky to have friends to help them pick the thorns off.

436. Life is so much simpler when you tell the truth.

437. Life itself cannot give you joy unless you really will it.

Life just gives you time and space. It’s up to you to fill it.

438. Listening and hearing are two different senses.

439. Little differences - like a letter in a word -
make all the difference in the world.

440. Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

441. Love G-d more than you fear hell.

442. Love is not just gazing at each other but looking together in the same direction.

443. Love is the only capable force of transforming an enemy into a friend.

444. Love makes a house a home.

445. Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.

446. Love is not love until you give it away.

447. Moshe: I've been asked to get married lots of times.
Yankel: Who asked you?
Moshe: Mom and Dad. Lots of times.

448. Man and the turtle are very much alike. Neither makes any progress without sticking his neck out.

449. Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.

450. Many folks know how to say nothing.
Few know when.

451. Many folks want to serve G-d, but only as advisers.

452. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

453. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

454. Materialism is buying things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people who don't matter.

455. May your trouble be like the old man's teeth...few and far between.

456. Men tell you the facts, but G-d will tell you the truth!

457. Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

458. Money glitters, beauty sparkles, and intelligence shines.

459. More doors are opened with "please" than with keys.

460. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves.

461. Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank.

462. Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

463. My best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

464. My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life.
I think he was right.
I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already.

465. My eyes may be closed, but my mind is not asleep.

466. One afternoon after a rainstorm, I noticed one of the most beautiful rainbows I had ever seen. I called my 3-year-old daughter, Esther, to the door so we could go outside and look at it together. With wide eyes she carefully studied it until finally she looked at me and said, "But, Mommy, where is the ark?"

467. One day, your life will flash in front of your eyes...
Make it worth watching.

468. One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

469. One good thing about forgetting is that you can no longer worry about what ever it was you forgot.

470. One must learn how to lose before learning how to play.

471. One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

472. One of the ceaseless wonders of the world is the power of a smile.

473. One of the most important things in communication is to hear what is not being said.

474. One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

475. One thing you can give and still keep is your word.

476. One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it is holding a parking ticket.

477. One unable to dance blames the unevenness of the floor.

478. One who looks for a friend without faults will have none.

479. Only in America do people order double burgers, a large fries, and a diet coke.

480. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

481. On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers. A little voice from the back of the room asked: "How will that help?"

482. Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

483. Originality is the art of concealing your source.

484. Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than look back.

485. Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth - a sense of humor.

486. Our toaster works on either AC or DC, but not on bread. It has two settings: too soon or too late.

487. Outer agitation reveals inner instability.

488. Overheard during a particular long sermon, "If we give him the money now, Mommy, will he let us go?"

489. Parents are so excited about the first steps and words of their children, but then they spend the next 17 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

490. Patience is how you act while you're waiting.

491. Patience is the silken cord on which are strung the pearls of virtue.

492. Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.

493. People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the shul.

494. People forget how fast you did a job- but they remember how well you did it.

495. People forget what you said.
People forget what you did.
But people never forget how you made them feel.

496. People may not always believe what you say, but they will believe what you do.

497. People never say, "It's only a game", when they're winning.

498. People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars.... and they pass by themselves without wondering.

499. Kids want the front of the bus; back of the class and center of attention.

500. People with true character show it when nobody else is present.

501. Plan ahead: It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!

502. Poverty never spoils a good man, but prosperity often does.

503. Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.

504. Praise your children openly, reprove them secretly.

505. Pray as if everything depended on G-D,
Act as if everything depended on yourself!

506. Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children.

507. Professor to noisy students: "Every time I open my mouth some fool begins to speak."

508. Proverbs are short sentences drawn from long experience.

509. Public transportation notice: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

510. Raise your voice and your dignity is lowered.

511. Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.

512. Remember the golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rules.

513. Reputation is made in a moment: character is built in a lifetime.

514. Respect cannot be learned, purchased or acquired- it can only be earned.

515. Respect is mutual, if you don't respect others viewpoints, chances are they won't acknowledge yours.

516. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

517. Second place is the first loser.

518. She is an expert housekeeper: every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

519. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping trip.
They had gone to bed in a tent and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

520. Sign on restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)

521. Silence is frequently misinterpreted, but it is never misquoted.

522. Silence is golden but shouting is fun.

523. Silence is the only thing that can't be misquoted!

524. Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.

525. Skier; one who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

526. Smile! It increases your face value.

527. Smile.... it makes others wonder what you're thinking.

528. "Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together.

Amazing Snow sculptures

529. So many people will walk in and out of your life, but those who leave foot prints are true friends.

530. Somebody once figured out that we have millions of laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.

531. Some books have table of contents; others have no contents.

532. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

533. Some minds are like concrete... all mixed up and permanently set.

534. Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

535. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

536. Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

537. Some people are bitter, some sour, others are sweet. Who you hang out with depends on your taste.

538. Some people are wise, and some are otherwise.

539. Some people attend shul three times in their lives: when they're hatched, when they're matched, and when they're dispatched.

540. Some people complain because the roses have thorns.
Others give thanks because the thorns have roses.

541. Some people drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge, while some others only gargle.

542. Some people grin and bear it.
Others smile and change it.

543. Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it three or four times a day.

544. Some people just don't take advice; they have to hit their own head off the wall to believe it will hurt!!

545. Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

546. Some people take too much of vitamin "I".

547. Some persons don't know the difference between thinking for yourself, and thinking of yourself.

548. Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair.

549. Sometimes I know that there is intelligent life on other planets because they haven't tried to contact us.

550. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

551. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

552. Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

553. Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds it in your presence that life is worth while,
So when your lonely.... remember it's true,
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

554. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

555. Empty space is a dangerous place...especially if it's between your ears!

556. Speak softly. If you really want to be heard, lower your voice.

557. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can shatter my soul.

558. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

559. Stupidity is NOT a handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE!

560. Suburbia is where the bulldozers have knocked down all the trees and the planners rename the roads after them.

561. Success comes in cans, not can'ts.

562. Success is a ladder that can not be climbed with your hands in your pockets.

563. Success is relative - the more success, the more relatives.

564. Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry."
Compassion sees and says, "I'll help."

565. Tact is the ability to tell your boss that he is open-minded when you know he has a hole in his head.

566. Take care of your character and your reputation will take care of itself.

567. Talk is cheap; barbers give it away free with haircuts.

568. Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself.

569. Teacher to a third grade student: "Moshi, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"
Moshi: "It depends."
Teacher: "It depends on what?"
Moshi: "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

570. Tears will get you sympathy.
Sweat will get you results.

571. Television ruins more minds than drugs.

572. Temptation resisted, is the true measure of character.

573. That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.

574. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

575. The bank of friendship cannot exist for long without deposits.

576. The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith.
The beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.

577. The best leader is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

578. The best revenge is a vow to never be like the one who hurt you.

579. The best way to beat your enemy is to beat him at politeness.

580. The best way to have the last word is to apologize.

581. The best way to overcome temptation is to avoid the tempting situation.

582. The cheapest gift I have to give is kindness, and it is the best.

583. The children were lined up in the school cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, "Take only one, G-d is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote a note, "Take all you want, G-d is watching the apples."

584. The collapse of character begins with compromise.

585. The Congress is a strange place where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs.

586. The definition of a recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
A depression is when you loose yours.

587. The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.

588. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

589. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

590. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

591. The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

592. The eyes of men speak words the tongue cannot pronounce.

593. The farther backwards you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.

594. The fellow who has no money is poor; the fellow who has nothing but money is poorer still.

595. The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose.

596. The glass is not half-empty, it’s just twice as big as it needs to be.

597. The graduate with a Science degree asks: "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

598. The greatest fool of all is the man who fools himself.

599. The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.

600. The greatest strength a champion can hold is humility.

601. The greatest tragedy is when man gives up what he wants most for what he wants now!

602. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the best of everything that comes along their way.

603. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

604. The key to happiness is not fixing your problems but changing your attitude towards your problems.

605. The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

606. The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

607. The lesson is what you read in the fine print. The experience is what you get when you don't.

608. The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.

609. The Lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.

610. The love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love till you give it away.

611. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.

612. The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

613. The measure of a man is not the number of servants he has, but the number of people he serves.

614. The next time the satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

615. The obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, but the illusion of knowledge.

616. The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

617. The only man who is a bigger fool than the one who knows it all is the one who will argue with him.

618. The only new thing in this world is the history you did not know.

619. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

620. The one thing you can give and still keep is your word.

621. The opinion of the intelligent is better than the certainty of the ignorant.

622. The optimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a blessing." The pessimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a mess."

623. The person who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

624. The person who says he trusts no one should include himself.

625. The purpose of education is to replace an empty mind with an open one.

626. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

627. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time.
But also to leave the wrong thing unsaid at the most tempting moment.

628. The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.

629. There are four types of people in this world.
There are people that make things happen.
There are people that watch things happen.
There are people that wonder what happened.
And there are people that don't know anything happened.

630. There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.

631. There are three secrets to success:
The first is "Keep your eyes and ears open."
The second is "Don't tell everything you know."

632. There are three sides to any story, my side, his side and the truth.

633. There are three things extremely hard; steel, a diamond and to know ones self.

634. There are three ways to obtain wealth: inheritance, luck, and hard work. None is guaranteed, but you have no influence over the first two.

635. There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark, and others who just leave a stain.

636. There are two types of people who can tell you the truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.

637. There can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm.

638. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

639. There is a pill for every ill, and a bill for every pill.

640. There is no "I" in team, but there is a "ME".

641. There is nothing wrong in having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.

642. There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience.

643. There is the story of a rabbi who got up one day and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

644. There is truth in humor, but not humor in truth.

645. There was a break at the prison yesterday. An ex-fortune teller, described as being short with dark hair, broke out of prison. The public is advised to be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

646. The way to make the cold winter go fast is to sign a note in October that becomes due in six months.

647. The way you see people is the way you treat them.
And the way you treat them is what they become.

648. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the Strong.

649. The whisper of a pretty girl can be heard further than the roar of a lion.

650. The will of G-d will never take you to where the grace of G-d will not protect you.

651. The willow knows what the storm does not; the power to endure harm outlives the power to inflict it.

652. The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital.

653. The woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right.... But she is more often left.

654. The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists.

655. The woods are always empty if you're a poor hunter.

656. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

657. The word of G-d will keep you from sin, or sin will keep you from the Word of G-d.

658. The world is a great big book, of which those who never travel read only one page.

659. The world is composed of givers and takers. .the takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.

660. The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

661. The world is like a beehive: We all enter by the same door but we live in different cells.

662. The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.

663. The world may be your oyster, but it doesn't mean you'll get its pearl.

664. The world was not given to us by our parents; it was lent to us by our children!

665. The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

666. They have all sorts of new services today. Now they've got a dial-a-prayer service for atheists. You call a number and nobody answers.

667. The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.

668. They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

669. They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

670. The zoo is a place for animals to study the behavior of human beings.

671. Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least. (Goethe)

672. Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it.

673. Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.

674. Those we hurt the most are often those we love the most.

675. Those who admire the freedom of birds have never built a nest.

676. Those who are at war with others are seldom at peace with themselves.

677. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

678. Those who do not find time for exercise will have to find time for illness.

679. Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either.

680. Those who do not plan for the future have to live through it anyway.

681. Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim.

682. Those who jump to conclusions often land in ignorance.

683. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

684. Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.

685. Those who talk don't know, those who know don't talk......

686. To get profit without risk, experience without danger, and reward without work is as impossible as it is to live without being born.

687. To give counsel as well as to take it is a feature of true friendship.

688. To love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best.

689. To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.

690. To love for the sake of being loved is human; to love for the sake of loving is angelic.

691. To love is to risk getting hurt. Not to risk loving is the greatest risk of all.

692. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, and honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

693. Those with the best advice usually offer no advice. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

694. Thoughts lead to acts.
Acts lead to habits.
Habits lead to character.
And our character will determine our eternal destiny.

695. Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.

696. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

697. Three kinds of people:
The ones who learn by reading.
The ones who learn by observation.
And the rest of them who have to touch the fire themselves to learn if it's really hot.

698. Time heals nothing, it merely re-arranges our memory.

699. Time is a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

700. Faith is believing what you can’t prove with reason.

701. A man who knows he is a fool is not such a great fool.

702. Too much liberty leads both men and nations to slavery.

703. Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s own ignorance.

704. A jest often decides matters of importance

705. Time is like money: you can spend, waste, or invest!

706. Time is relative... The mind makes it slow, the heart makes it fast, our friends make it worth while, and words... make it timeless.

707. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!

708. Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

709. To belittle is to be little.

710. To be or not to be... I think it’s a trick question.

711. To cool a hot attitude, apply nice. To melt a cold attitude, address warmly.

712. Today's beautiful moments are tomorrow's beautiful memories.

713. To do two things at once is to do neither.

714. To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.

715. To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.

716. To every complex problem there is an easy answer; and it is wrong!

717. To realize the value of ONE YEAR Ask a student who has failed his final exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet or . . .
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE Ask a person who has missed the plane.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

718. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you share it with someone special . . . special enough to have your time. . .

719. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

720. To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.

721. To think too long about doing a thing, often becomes its undoing.

722. To truly hear you must quiet the mind.

723. Tough times gets you real friends and others get you tough times.

724. To walk only on sunny days is to never reach ones destination.

725. Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all.

726. Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you, not because they are nice, but because you are.

727. Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.

728. Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.

729. Treat your friends as you do your pictures; place them in their best light.

730. Triumph is "umph" added to try.

731. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

732. Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.

733. True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like autumn leaves, scattered everywhere.

734. True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

735. True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.

736. True happiness may be sought, thought, or caught -- but never bought.

737. True love can not be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it does.

738. True love is not based on what you have, but it is based on who you really are.

739. True power is when what you say is only the tip of the iceberg of what you really know.

740. Trust but verify.

741. Trust enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner’s hand, knowing they will be handled with care.

742. Trust is like money; you spend it, you save it, you lend it, and sometimes you get robbed.

743. Truth is not determined by majority vote.

744. Truth is the most powerful force on earth because it cannot be changed.

745. Truth needs no flower of speech.

746. Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.

747. Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

748. T-shirt: My heart belongs to Daddy. . .and so do my credit cards!

749. Two brothers were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?"
And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."

750. Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and ...

751. Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained. The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

752. Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

753. Two rules to success in life: Don't tell people everything you know.

754. Two things are sure in life: There is a G-d, and you are not him.

755. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

756. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

757. Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.

758. A great love? Send real roses preserved in 24kt gold!

759. Ulcers are caused not so much by what we eat as what's eating us.

760. Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills.

761. Under capitalism man exploits man. Under socialism it's just the opposite.

762. Units of prayer combined, like drops of water, make an ocean which defies resistance.

763. Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.

764. Use what talents you possess; The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

765. Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.

766. Vacation spots that are out of the way,
Are much in favor with travelers today;
Some find them by planning trips at great cost,
And others just by getting lost.

767. Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his trumpet. His friend was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate. He blew out a crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill voice screamed, "Stop that noise. Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"

768. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Never let your morals stop you from doing what is right.

769. Vision is not seeing things as they are, but as they will be.

770. Vision that looks inward becomes duty.
Vision that looks outward becomes aspiration.
Vision that looks upward becomes faith

771. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

772. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

773. Walk the words you talk and talk the words you walk.

774. War never decides who is right, only who is left.

775. Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny!!!

776. We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads.

777. Wealth buys leisure, but not wisdom.

778. We are, each of us, angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other.

779. We are never nowhere.
We are always now here.

780. We blame fate for other accidents, but we feel personally responsible when we make a hole in one.

781. We can admire what we see, but we can only love what we truly know.

782. We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.

783. We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.

784. We can only create what we can imagine.

785. We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.

786. We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

787. We could accomplish a lot more if we'd get rid of our ifs and and's; and get off our butts.

788. We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

789. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.
But they all have to learn to live in the same box.

790. We don't have the right to ask when sorrow comes: Why did this happen to me unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.

791. We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

792. We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

793. We don't want a thing because we have found a reason for it- we find a reason for it because we want it.

794. We do three kinds of jobs, cheap, quick, and good.
You can have any two:
A good, quick job-won't be cheap.
A good job, cheap-won't be quick.
A cheap job, quick-won't be good.

795. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

796. We have all heard that there are two sides to every story, but after listening to many husband and wife arguments I have come to realize there are three sides to every story, her side, his side, and the truth.

797. We have a strange and wonderful relationship: He's strange and I'm wonderful.

798. We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors; we have only borrowed it from our children.

799. We have stopped being fishers of men and we are now the keepers of the aquarium.

800. We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers,
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more but have less,
we buy more but enjoy it less.

801. We judge others by their actions; we judge ourselves by our intentions.

802. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

803. Well done is better than well said.

804. We may not be what we want to be, but thank G-d we are not what we used to be.

805. We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

806. Where G-d guides, He provides.

807. Where will you be sitting in eternity--smoking or non-smoking?

808. Where you're going is more important than where you stand.

809. While men talk of killing time, slowly time kills men.

810. While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.

811. A great love? Send real roses preserved in 24kt gold!

812. Whoever acquires knowledge and does not practice it resembles him who ploughs his land and leaves it unsown.

813. Whoever follows a crowd will never be followed by a crowd.

814. Who says nothing is impossible, I have been doing nothing for years.

815. Who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one.

816. Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

817. Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything

818. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

819. Win with humility; lose with grace.

820. Wisdom has two parts:
1) Having a lot to say.
2) Not saying it.

821. Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.

822. Wisdom whispers - foolishness shouts.

823. Wise men talk because they have something to say.
Fools talk because they have to say something.

824. We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang separately.

825. We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

826. We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.

827. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

828. We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.

829. We often fear being rejected so very much that we reject ourselves first before anyone else has the chance.

830. We often see further through a tear, than through a telescope.

831. We only grow when we step outside our comfort zone.

832. We see things not as they are, but as we are.

833. We should keep so close to the facts that we never have to remember the second time what we said the first time.

834. We shouldn't deny the pain of what happens in our lives. We should just refuse to focus only on the valleys.

835. We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

836. We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, have been asked to do so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing anything with nothing.

837. We treat this world of ours as though we had a spare in the trunk.

838. We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

839. What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

840. What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call.

841. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

842. Can I borrow that quarter? Because my mom told me to call home when I fell in love.

843. Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long.

844. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

845. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

846. What do Windows and a handgun have in common?
Both are harmless while not loaded.

847. What flowers grow between your nose and your chin? .... Tulips.

848. "What, giving again?" I asked in dismay.
"And must I keep giving and giving away?"
"Oh, no," said the angel, piercing me through,
"Just give till the Father stops giving to you."

849. A good joke can never be repeated to the same audience. A nice story can be repeated two years later. A dvar Torah you can even repeat the very same week

850. We have to believe in free choice. We’ve got no other choice.

851. People who go to a psychiatrist ought to have their heads examined.

852. I’m in favor of free expression provided it’s kept rigidly under control.

853. Modesty is my best quality.

854. If you aren’t confused by quantum physics, then you haven’t really understood it.

855. What most of us are after when we have a picture taken is a good natural-looking picture that doesn’t resemble us.

856. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

857. You can’t make anything idiot-proof because idiots are too ingenious.

858. There is a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

859. I told the doctor that I was overtired, anxiety-ridden, compulsively active, constantly depressed, with recurring fits of paranoia. Turns out I am normal.

860. The best cure for insomnia is to get lots of sleep.

861. If there is a fifty-fifty chance that something can go wrung, then nine times out of ten it will.

862. A bank is a place where they will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.

863. I have a terrible memory. I don’t forget a thing.

864. You have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

865. There is only one thing about which I am certain, and that is that there is little about which one can be certain.

866. It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I am right.

867. I have made this letter longer than usual, because I haven’t the time to make it short.

868. There must be more to life than having everything.

869. There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.

870. He’s a genius with an IQ of a moron.

871. Shun advice at any price, that’s what I call good advice.

872. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

873. Most people seeking your advice come to have their opinions strengthened, not corrected.

874. For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.

875. The surest way to lose a friend is to tell him something for his own good.

876. Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.

877. The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.

878. Silence is more eloquent than words.

879. Education is a progressive discovery of your ignorance.

880. A yawn is a silent shout.

881. Television is an invention whereby you can be entertained in your living room by people you would never allow into your house.

882. It’s the gossip columnist’s business to write about what is none of his business.

883. A hero is a man that’s afraid to run away.

884. Common sense is not so common.

885. Fire destroys that which feeds it.

886. Several excuses are always less convincing than one.

887. Some things are best mended by a break.

888. Humility is something I’ve always prided myself on.

889. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

890. I answer in the affirmative with an emphatic “No.”

891. Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.

892. It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

893. We find the man who stole the horse not guilty.

894. People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about it.

895. Democracy used to be a great thing but it has now got into the wrong hands.

896. I don’t want to tell n you any half-truths unless they’re completely accurate.

897. Let us all be happy and live within our means even if we have to borrow the money to do it with.

898. Nothing fixes a thing in our memory as the wish to forget it.

899. Found a society of honest men and all thieves will join it.

900. The man with a host of friends who slaps on the back everyone he meets is regarded as the friend of nobody.

901. there are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can’t tell the truth without lying.

902. It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.

903. Success has ruined many a man.

904. Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure when he is really selling himself a slave to it.

905. Man will always be mad and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all.

906. People have one thing in common: they are all different.

907. The love we give away is the only love we keep.

908. Love is like perfume, you lose nothing when giving others a smell.

909. Parents forgive their children least readily for the faults they themselves have instilled in them.

910. When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason – there’s a reason.

911. Most of us become parents before we have stopped being children.

912. Everyone knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

913. A good father is a little bit of a mother.

914. It is possible to give away and become richer.

915. The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

916. To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace.

917. We make war so that we can live in peace.

918. The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.

919. Office hours are from twelve to one, with an hour off for lunch.

920. No one has a better command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.

921. The more corrupt the state the more numerous the laws.

922. If I am to speak for ten minutes, I need a week for preparation: if fifteen minutes, three days; if half an hour, two days; if an hour, I am ready now.

923. Unbidden guests are often welcomest when they are gone,

924. We pay him too much, but it’s worth it.

925. I can take any amount of criticism, so long as it is unqualified praise.

926. When people tell you how young you look, they are actually hinting at how old you are.

927. Actors are the only honest hypocrites.

928. I can resist everything except temptation.

929. An optimist invented the airplane. A pessimist invented the parachute.

930. What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.

931. What is done now, is influenced by what you did then, and will determine what you do when now is then.

932. What is right is often forgotten by what is convenient.

933. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.

934. What lies behind ourselves and what lies ahead of ourselves are small matters compared to what lies within ourselves.

935. What now is proved was once only imagined.

936. What really matters is what happens in us- not to us.

937. What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.

938. What some people mistake for the high cost of living, is really the cost of living high.

939. What sunshine is to flowers...smiles are to humanity.

940. What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls the beginning.

941. What we do in life, echoes in eternity.

942. What we fight against defines us as clearly as all we embrace.

943. What we see is mainly what we look for.

944. What you are is G-d's gift to you, what you become is your gift to G-d.

945. What you do when you don't have to do it will determine what you are when it's too late to do anything about it!

946. What you possess in the world will be found at the day of your death to belong to someone else. But what you are will be yours forever.

947. When a shul seeks a rabbi, they want the strength of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they expect the rabbi to live on the food of a canary.

948. When a friend asked his six-year-old brother why babies are spanked when they are born, the youngster replied, "To get them used to it.

949. When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, G-d's been taking my picture!"

950. When an old man dies, a library burns down.

951. When a person wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince them.

952. When asked by his Boss why he only worked 4 days a week the employee replied because I can't manage on 3 days a week.

953. When asking a question of someone you’re not sure of, only ask if you know half the answer.

954. When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.

955. When a woman is speaking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.

956. When confronted with a Goliath-sized problem, which way do you respond:
"He's too big to hit" or like David, "He's too big to miss"?

957. Whenever an armed forces pilot is involved in an aircraft accident, he is required to make a statement of the cause. One young pilot summed up his mishap thus: "I believe the cause of the accident was administrative. I should never have graduated from flight school."

958. When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

959. When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

960. When G-d allows a burden to be put upon you, He will put His arms underneath you to help you carry it.

961. When G-d closes a door He opens a window.

962. When G-d sends us on hard paths, he provides strong shoes.

963. When G-d takes measure of a man.
I've often heard it said.
He always measures 'round the heart.
But never 'round the head.

964. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did--in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

965. When I'm right no-one remembers, when I'm wrong no-one forgets.

966. When in doubt, tell the truth.

967. When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't pray, they don't.

968. When I stand before G-d at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything You gave me."

969. When I walk backwards, it feels like I'm helping everyone else move forward faster.

970. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.

971. When I was a child I could remember anything....
Whether it happened or not.

972. When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.

973. When no one is watching, live as if someone is.

974. When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

975. When placed in G-d's hands, life is like a chocolate cake: Take something bitter, something dry, something wet, and a little bit of leaven, mix well, and let it bake someplace hot. The result is something sweet.

976. When satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

977. When seeking a companion, become the type of person you would like to attract!

978. When signing a contract, it helps to remember "the big-type gives, and the small-type takes away".

979. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

980. When speaking to your children: say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it.

981. When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.

982. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

983. When the mouth stumbles, it is worse than the foot.

984. When there's a will, there's a way, but when there's a won't, there isn't.

985. When the tide of life turns against you, and the current upsets your boat,
don't waste time on what might have been, just lie on your back and float.

986. When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

987. When they say Doctors are practicing, they aren't kidding.

988. When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't dare quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.
So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit.
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit.

989. When we die we leave behind us all that we have and take with us all that we are.

990. When we learn all the answers, they change the questions.

991. When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.

992. When you aim for perfection you discover it is a moving target.

993. When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

994. When you are born you are crying and everyone around you is smiling.
Live your life so that when you die you are smiling and everyone around you is crying.

995. When you are standing on the edge of a cliff, a step forward is not progress.

996. When you are trying to convince yourself something is right, it is usually wrong.

997. When you ask someone to go somewhere with you, and they say no and then start explaining why, you say, "Just tell me the time, don't tell me how the watch works."

998. When you can't trace G-d's hand, trust His heart.

999. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

1000. When you forgive it takes you from the place of the victim to that of a victor.

1001. When you hear a kind word spoken about a friend, tell him so.

1002. When you live in the past, it costs you the present.

1003. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

1004. When you put somebody down, you have to be down there to hold him down. You could soar high otherwise.

1005. When you reach the end of light in your life and you find yourself standing before a dark abyss, faith is knowing that when you take the next step there will be something solid to walk on or you will be taught to fly.

1006. When your heart speaks, take good notes.

1007. When your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.

1008. When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

1009. When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey.

1010. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

1011. Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

1012. Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed.

1013. Worry pulls tomorrow's cloud over today's sunshine. When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die the world cries and you rejoice.

1014. Wise sayings often fall on barren ground; but a kind word is never thrown away.

1015. With money I can buy things; with thinking I can understand things.

1016. With wealth you can live in comfort.
With drive you can make a comfortable living.
With peace of mind, you can be comfortable in living.

1017. Wit is educated insolence.

1018. Women's faults are many, men have just two!
Everything they say and everything they do!!!

1019. Won't you come into the garden?
I would like my roses to see you.

1020. Work like you don't need the money, love like your heart has never been broken, and dance as if no one is watching.

1021. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

1022. Write injuries in the sand, kindnesses in marble.

1023. The rich invest; the smart investigate.

1024. The same sun that melts butter hardens clay.

1025. The secret of true greatness is simplicity.

1026. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

1027. The story is told of a farmer who was known for his generous giving, and whose friends could not understand how he could give so much and yet remain so prosperous.
One day a friend said: "We can't understand it. You give far more than any of the rest of us, and yet you always seem to have more to give."
"That's easy to explain," the farmer said. "I keep shoveling into G-d's bin, and G-d keeps shoveling back into mine, and G-d has the bigger shovel."

1028. The Talmud Torah teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Moshe interrupted.
"My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

1029. The teacher smiled at her Sunday school group and exclaimed, "All right, class, all those who want to go to Heaven raise your hands." Everybody in the class had a hand raised, except one boy. "Don't you want to go to Heaven?" asked the teacher. "I can't ma'am. My mom wants me to come straight home."

1030. You always find something in the last place you look.

1031. You are getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

1032. You are young only once, but you can be immature all your life.

1033. You can blow out a candle,
but you can't blow out a fire,
once the flame begins to catch,
the wind will blow it higher.

1034. You can bomb the world into pieces; but you can't bomb the world into peace.....

1035. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

1036. You can employ men and hire hands to work for you, but you must win their hearts to have them work with you.

1037. You can send a message around the world in 1/7 of a second; yet it may take several years to move a simple idea through a 1/4 inch of human skull.

1038. You can take a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.

1039. You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.

1040. You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

1041. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

1042. You can't train a horse with shouts, and expect it to obey a whisper.

1043. You can win more friends with your ears than you can with your mouth!

1044. You could hit someone over the head with a hammer and they would say, "gee, thanks, it feels so much better now that you stopped"...

1045. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

1046. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

1047. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.

1048. You only have one chance to make a first impression.

1049. Your actions speak so loud that I can't hear what you're saying.

1050. Your children know you love them by your presence, not your presents.

1051. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

1052. Your smile lights up a room like a candle in the dark.

1053. I can still hear the song of your laughter.

1054. Your temper is the only thing you can lose and still have.

1055. You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated.

1056. Don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you. ( Chazal)

1057. A word of rebuke is good for the wise, but given to a fool it brings despise. ( Mishlei 9:8 )

1058. If you don’t read a newspaper you’ll be uninformed. If you read one you may be be misinformed.

1059. When purchasing a product, the last one to trust as to its real value is the salesman behind the counter.

1060. I think they must have turned back the mileage on the car. It has Roman numerals!

1061. My car looks really old. The headlights seem to have cataracts!

1062. A person applied for work, but was told that the company had more employees than it needed. “Don’t worry,” he replied. “The little bit of work I do won’t be noticed.”

1063. Heard about the absentminded professor who lit a match to see if he’d put out the candle!

1064. There once was an absentminded professor who saw a sign on his door that said, back in one hour.” So he sat down to wait.

1065. Two young boys visit a museum and look at an exhibit of an Egyptian mummy. Under it is a card that reads “3218 B.C.” “That must be the license of the car that hit him,” says one boy to the other.

1066. A man who drunk a bottle of poison was brought to the emergency room. “Why did you drink from a bottle clearly marked poison,” asked the doctor? “Underneath, it said ‘lye’ so I didn’t believe it,” was the man’s reply.

1067. A man falls down the stairs and someone rushes over to help. “Did you miss any steps,” he asks him? “Nope,” he replies. “I hit every one of them.”

1068. An unlucky man had a terrible accident. He threw a lit cigarette down an open manhole and then stepped on it!

1069. Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.

1070. He’s the type of person that always hits the nail squarely on the thumb!

1071. You can fool most of the people some of the time and some of the people all the time. That’s probably good enough odds says the swindler.

1072. For someone very old, weightlifting consists of standing up.

1073. “Could you please sent one suitcase to Miami, the second to Chicago, and the garment bag to California,” asked the passenger checking in his luggage? Sorry” replied the clerk, “we don’t do that.” “But you did it on my last flight,” replied the passenger.

1074. Marriage is a strange business. It’s the only one that pays off when it fails.

1075. Man may not be descended from monkeys but the way some behave we may be heading that way.

1076. His house was in such bad shape that the termites ate it.

1077. His apartment has hot and cold running water without turning on the faucets.

1078. The apartment was so small that when you opened up the front door you broke the kitchen window.

1079. My mother in law is a very informed woman. She can complain on any subject.

1080. A little boy walked into a local candy store and held out a dime and asked for an ice cream. The clerk said, “Sorry, but an ice cream cost a quarter.”

“And how much is a soda,” he asked?

“Also a quarter,” the clerk replied.
”What about a pack of gum,” he asked? “That’s a quarter too,” was the reply The boy sighed, put the dime on the counter and started to walk out. The clerk called him back and said, “Young boy, you’ve forgotten to take your dime.”

“What good is it,” replied the boy.” It can’t buy anything with it anyway.”

1081. Before you say something you are master over your words. After you say something your words are master over you.

1082. Money can’t buy happiness, but it makes misery more comfortable.

1083. To err is human. To admit it isn’t!

1084. I’ve never had any money problems. Lack of money problems, yes!

1085. “The car doesn’t look bad. How about the shocks?”

“You get those when you hear the price!” replied the car salesman.

1086. There is this boy in school who never shuts his mouth. The other day he came back from the beach with a sunburned tongue.

1087. His picture is in the dictionary. You can find it next to the word “slob.”

1088. I have a five passenger car. One drives and four push.

1089. Times are bad when counterfeiters start to counterfeit pennies.

1090. Things are so bad that the mice only use my house for a shortcut.

1091. One day a schnorer came to my door. I showed him my budget. He gave me $5 and then left.

1092. Most accidents happen accidentally.

1093. Most accidents are caused by motorists who drive in high while their minds are in neutral

1094. It’s the nut behind the wheel and not the nut on the wheel that causes traffic accidents.

1095. A good way to get your name into the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.

1096. Highway accidents will diminish when brain-power matches horsepower.

1097. Auto accidents prove that telephone poles are put in the wrong places.

1098. A car can help you see the world but it’s up to you to decide which world.

1099. If you must drive while drinking, drive a nail. Then the only thing you’ll hit is your finger.

1100. It takes a thousand nuts to hold a car together put just one to spread it all over the landscape.

1101. The only thing in life achieved without effort is failure.

1102. Having money and friends is easy. Having friends and no money is an accomplishment.

1103. A genius shoots at something no one else sees – and hits it.

1104. Liberty is not a gift of G-d but a hard-won achievement with the help of G-d.

1105. Kind deeds will never die, but without kind deeds they can sound mighty sick.

1106. Push will get a person almost anywhere except through a door marked “pull.”

1107. G-d gives us the ingredients for our daily bread but he expects us to do the baking.

1108. The best time for us to do something worthwhile is between yesterday and tomorrow.

1109. Many people seem to have a good aim in life but for some reason they never pull the trigger.

1110. The surest way to gain respect is to earn it through conduct.

1111. The lines actors like best are the ones in front of the box office.

1112. An adolescent is a minor who is sometimes a major problem.

1113. A real friend will tell you your faults in times of prosperity, and assist you with a hand and heart in times of adversity.

1114. G-d often tries us with a little to see what we would do with a lot.

1115. The man who stops advertising to save money is like the man who stops the clock to save time.

1116. Advertising pays – particularly for the advertising agency.

1117. If you can separate good advice from bad advices, you really don’t need any advice.

1118. Advice is best heeded when most needed.

1119. Too many people are anxious to give you advice when what you really need is help.

1120. No one gives advice with more enthusiasm than an ignorant person.

1121. Advice to men over fifty. Keep an open mind and a closed refrigerator.

1122. Advice is like medicine. The correct dosage works wonders, but an overdose can be dangerous.

1123. “Be yourself,” is about the best advice you can give to some people.

1124. Advice is that which the wise don’t need and the fools won’t take.

1125. Offering advice may be noble and grand, but it’s not the same as a helping hand.

1126. A good example has twice the value as good advice.

1127. The only way man can attain perfection is to follow the advice he gives to others.

1128. A man begins to show his age at the same time he begins to show you pictures of his grandchildren.

1129. A divorce is what couples agree on when they can’t agree on anything else.

1130. The man who always agrees with you lies to others also.

1131. You can’t fool all the people all the time but the airline schedules come pretty close.

1132. Our new faster than sound jet planes are wonderful. You can eat lunch in London and get indigestion in N.Y.

1202. As a general rule, the character of a person can be judged by their laughter.

1203. When you laugh, be sure to laugh at what people do and not what people are.

1204. The value of a dollar will never drop as low as some people will stoop to get it.

1205. A fellow can’t stop people from having a bad opinion of him but he can keep them from being right about it.

1206. Temper gets people into trouble but pride keeps them there.

1207. What chance does man have to control his destiny when he can’t even control himself.

1208. You never have to take a dose of your own medicine if you keep your mouth shut.

1209. An open mind and a closed mouth make a happy combination.

1210. Might as well keep your mouth shut. If you talk about yourself you’re a bore. If you talk about others you’re a gossip.

1211. A man’s conscience and not his mattress has most to do with his sleep.

1212. The secret of success is to put your best foot forward without stepping on anybody’s toes.

1213. What a beautiful world this would be if we loved others like ourselves.

1214. The Torah contains the vitamins for a healthy soul.

1215. If you carry the Torah when you are young, it will carry you when you get old.

1216. G-d does not open the windows of Heaven for the person who keeps the Torah closed.

1217. Bigotry is being certain about something you know nothing about.

1218. Birthdays are nice to have, but too many of them will kill a person.

1219. When selling yourself, don’t misrepresent the goods.

1220. How to get rich books are now filed under fiction.

1221. The only book that tells you where you can go on vacation is your checkbook.

1222. We should be as careful of the books we read as of the company we keep.

1223. Some people commit a crime and go to jail; others commit a crime and write books.

1224. A bore is someone who holds a conversation and wouldn’t let go.

1225. Usually the person who screams loudest about free speech has nothing to say.

1226. Too many people confuse free speech with loose talk.

1227. A speaker that doesn’t strike oil in twenty minutes should stop boring.

1228. Time may be money but it’s much easier to persuade a man to give you his time than his money.

1229. A certain boss when asked how many people worked for him replied “About half of them.”

1230. Pity the boss. He has to come in early to see who comes late.

1231. The fellow who knows more than his boss should be careful to conceal it.

1232. The man who laughs at his boss’s jokes doesn’t necessarily have a sense of humor but he surely has a sense of direction.

1233. Leisure time is what you have when the boss is on vacation.

1234. Many a boy is the kind of kid his mother tells him not to play with.

1235. A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for allowance and requests a loan.

1236. Anybody who thinks there is no such thing as a bad boy either doesn’t understand boys or doesn’t understand what bad is.

1237. Most people would find it beneficial if they could synchronize their tongues with their brains.

1238. Brains and beauty are G-d given gifts; character is of our own doing.

1239. When a head lacks brains often it will be filled with conceit.

1240. Business is the art of extracting money from another person’s pocket without resorting to violence.

1241. When they say a man is a born executive they mean that his father owns the business.

1242. There is no such thing as a problem boy. He’s just a boy with a problem.

1243. Little boys who don’t tell the truth will probably grow up to be weather forecasters.

1244. A boy handed his parents his report card and asked if he can sue his teacher for defamation of character.

1245. The time to start worrying about a boy is when he leaves the house without slamming the door.

1246. To keep a boy out of the cookie jar, lock it and hide the key under a bar of soap.

1247. For every boy with a spark of genius, there are a dozen others with ignition problems.

1248. When a small boy doesn’t mind soap he’s probably blowing bubbles.

1249. Always remember that a person is not rewarded for having brains but for using them.

1250. A nugget-sized brain usually comes with a bucket-sized mouth.

1251. A budget is an orderly way of discovering that you can’t live on what you are earning.

1252. To balance your budget, rotate your creditors.

1253. A business to stay out of is the other fellow’s

1254. Humor is the lubricating oil of a good business. It prevents friction and wins good will.

1255. Nothing gives man more leisure time than being on time to appointments.

1256. The trouble with mixing business with pleasure is that pleasure will always come out on top.

1257. Executive ability is a talent for deciding something quickly and getting someone else to do it.

1258. A successful businessman is the one who can delegate all the responsibility, shift all the blame, and take all the credit.

1259. Many businesses refuse to cash personal checks because the checks come back but the customers don’t.

1260. Sign on a businessman’s desk. “My decision is maybe- and that’s final.”

1261. A businessman once complained about his partner. “He’s a real phony. I wouldn’t believe him even if he said he was lying.”

1262. Businessmen are coming to realize that education is to business what fertilizer is to farming.

1263. Prosperity is what businessmen make for politicians to take the credit for.

1264. The death penalty may not eliminate crime but it stops repeaters.

1265. To drive carefully just drive as if everyone else out there is crazy.

1266. If we would drive right, there would be more people left.

1267. Better be patient on the road than a patient in the hospital.

1268. The careful driver stops for a railroad crossing for a minute, the careless one, forever.

1269. Always drive so that your license will expire before you do.

1270. Drive with care. Life has no spare.

1271. One can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

1272. One of the surest marks of good character is a man’s ability to accept personal criticism without feeling malice toward the one who gives it.

1273. Character is like glass. Even a little scratch shows.

1274. Men of genius are admired; men of wealth are envied; men of power are feared; but only men of character are trusted.

1275. The measure of a man’s character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.

1276. You can no more blame your circumstances for your character than you can blame the mirror for the way you look.

1277. You can’t see the flaw in a bridge till if falls down, or the flaw in a man’s character until he meets temptation.

1278. The true test of moral courage is the ability to ignore an insult.

1279. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

1280. A man shows what he is by doing what he can with what he has.

1281. The measure of a man’s wealth is how much he would be worth if he lost all his money.

1282. Charity is twice blessed. It blesses the one who gives and the one who receives.

1283. Sincere charity is the desire to be useful to others without any thoughts of recompense.

1284. Your day goes the way the corners of your mouth turn.

1285. “Watch out for children- especially if they are driving cars.”

1286. Children love to break things – especially rules.

1287. When children are seen and not heard it’s apt to be through binoculars.

1288. No two children are alike – particularly if one is yours and the other isn’t.

1289. Some students think they have it rough in school if they have to walk more than a block to park their cars.

1290. One reason some children are seen on the streets at night is because they’re afraid to remain home alone.

1291. Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.

1292. When a child listens to his mother, he’s probably on the telephone extension.

1293. With the world in such a terrible state, no wonder babies cry when they come into it.

1294. A major problem facing parents is that ovens are self cleaning but kids are not.

1295. Report cards have really changed. The kid who was once called a chatterbox is now called a compulsive talker.

1296. Child psychology is what children manage parents with.

1297. A teacher’s job is to take a roomful of live wires and make sure that they are grounded.

1298. The guy whose troubles are all behind him is probably a school bus driver.

1299. A conference is usually little more than an organized way of postponing a decision.

1300. Nothing seems to last as long as a pair of shoes that don’t fit.

1301. Those who go to college and don’t get out are called professors.

1302. We’re in trouble when we pay our best professors less than the worst football coach.

1303. Some people have to keep their diplomas with them to prove that they have a collage education.

1304. A committee of three gets lots done if two don’t show up.

1305. An unusual amount of common sense is sometimes called wisdom.

1306. Psychiatry is just common sense clothed in a language no one can understand.

1307. About the only thing people in every walk of life will agree upon is that they are underpaid and overcharged.

1308. A man complains about the food when he eats at home and about the price when he eats out.

1309. Don’t pray for rain if you’re going to complain about the mud.

1310. Don’t complain. Often it’s the wheel that squeaks the loudest that’s replaced.

1311. The pain in the neck you complain about may be the result of looking back too much.

1312. A customer in a cafeteria complained that everything there was terrible, including the self-service.

1313. One of the easiest things to find is fault.

1314. The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

1315. When it comes to finding the faults of others everyone seems to have 20-20 vision.

1316. Don’t forget that appreciation is always appreciated.

1317. Compliments are like perfume; to be inhaled not swallowed.

1318. A hammer sometimes misses its mark – a bouquet, never.

1319. It is alright to always to be looking for compliments – to give to someone else.

1320. No person is so poor that he cannot give a compliment.

1321. The computer is a great invention. There are as many mistakes as ever but now they are none’s fault.

1322. A conceited person knows a good thing when he sees himself in the mirror.

1323. If you think you are irreplaceable than it would do you some good to remember that there are lots of famous men of a century ago who have weeds growing over their graves today.

1324. The man who thinks he has no faults has at least one.

1325. The person who knows everything has a lot to learn.

1326. A conference is a meeting at which people talk about things they should be doing.

1327. Confessing your sins is no substitute for forsaking them.

1328. The line between self-confidence and conceit is very narrow.

1329. To be content, just imagine how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now and then got it back again.

1330. To be happy, keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry, live simply, expect little, give much, pray often, think of others and their feelings, and fill your heart with love.

1331. The cost of living is the only thing that defies the law of gravitation.

1332. If we can’t win the war against inflation, how about a cease-fire.

1333. The reason why the supermarket calls it the express lane is because your money goes very fast.

1334. Courage is not the absence of fear but the conquest of it.

1335. The test of courage comes when you are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when you are in the majority.

1336. There is no law against being courteous even when you are not a candidate for office.

1337. A little of the oil of courtesy will save a lot of friction.

1338. Criticism from a friend is better than flattery from an enemy.

1339. The best place to criticize is in front of your own mirror.

1340. Never fear criticism when you’re right; never ignore criticism when you are wrong.

1341. Criticism is like dynamite. It has its place but should only be used by experts.

1342. A cynic is one who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

1343. A new cigarette offers coupons for a cemetery plot.

1344. Live so that when death comes, the mourners will outnumber the cheering section.

1345. The generation that criticizes the younger generation is always the one that raised it.

1346. When a person dies, he leaves behind all that he has and takes along all that he is.

1347. All that many people have when the rainy days come are a lot of debts they made when the sun was shining.

1348. Debts are about the only thing one can acquire without money.

1349. Debts of gratitude are the most difficult to collect.

1350. Yesterday’s luxuries are today’s debts.

1351. There was this poor old man who worried so much about his debts that the hair started falling out from his wig.

1352. The most important principle of democracy is that even a wrong guy has rights.

1353. You’ve got a problem when your dentist tells you that you need a bridge and you can’t pay his toll.

1354. A diet helps people gain weight slower.

1355. It’s strange how people always tell you they are going on a diet after a big meal.

1356. Dieting is merely a matter of keeping your mouth shut at the right time – such as breakfast, lunch, and supper.

1357. To feel fit as a fiddle you must tone down your middle.

1358. The most difficult thing to open is a closed mind.

1359. The worst car trouble is when the engine wouldn’t start and the payments wouldn’t stop.

1360. Don’t advertise your troubles, people are already oversupplied.

1361. A lot of trouble is caused by combining a narrow mind with a wide mouth.

1362. We’re in bad trouble as long as we pay the garbage collectors more than our teachers.

1363. Diplomacy is the art of saying something in such a way that nobody knows exactly what you mean.

1364. A fool is man who tells a woman to stop talking so much, while a tactful man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

1365. Friendship is the only cement that will hold the world together.

1366. A pat on the back will develop character if given long enough, often enough, low enough – and hard enough.

1367. All that the overwhelming majority of people are doing about juvenile delinquency is reading about it.

1368. It seems that everyone you meet has a cure for the common cold except for your doctor.

1369. A woman no longer says she’s being divorced – now she says she’s being recycled.

1370. A couple recently had their marriage annulled and sued their rabbi for malpractice.

1371. Someone once complained to the post office about the slow mail delivery. He had just received an invitation to a wedding of a couple and they are already getting divorced.

1372. Day dreams at the steering wheel lead to nightmares in the hospital.

1373. Bumper sticker on a car, “Warning – keep back! I drive like your wife.”

1374. Traffic warning sign. “Hands you win – cocktails you lose.”

1375. Teaching children to count is not as important as teaching them what counts.

1376. Education is what you get from reading the small print in a contract. Experience is what you get when not reading it.

1377. You can buy education, but wisdom is a gift from G-d.

1378. Education pays less when you are an educator.

1379. Those who don’t read have no advantage over those who can’t.

1380. Education can’t make us all leaders, but can teach us which leaders to follow.

1381. An educated man is someone who has finally discovered that there are some questions to which nobody has the answer,

1382. Education can broaden the mind but there is no cure for a big head.

1383. It’s not what the rabbi pours into the student that counts but what is planted.

1384. Education helps you earn more, but not many teachers can prove it.

1385. If a person has no education he is forced to use his brains,

1386. Education means developing the mind not stuffing the memory.

1387. Education has produced lots of people that know how to read but don’t know what’s worth reading.

1388. The truly educated man is the one who can separate reality from illusion.

1389. A little learning may be a dangerous thing- but it’s still safer than total ignorance.

1390. The mind is like the stomach. It’s not how much you put inside that count, but how much it digests.

1391. The best way to stop children from watching dirty movies is to label them educational.

1392. The emptiest man it the world is the one who is full of himself.

1393. Egotism is obesity of the head.

1394. The only thing that can keep growing without nourishment is an ego.

1395. A man that is self centered is off-centered.

1396. As the chest swells, the brain and the heart shrink.

1397. Some people are like the rooster who thought that the sun rose every morning just to hear him crow,

1398. Neither an egg nor an ego is any good until you break it.

1399. Some people are so egotistical that every time they look in the mirror they take a bow.

1400. Pride hides a man’s faults to himself and magnifies them to everyone else.

1401. Too many people are humble and know it.

1402. Remember that when you are praised to the sky, keep your feet on the ground.

1403. The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for public office.

1404. You can’t fool all the people all the time, but politicians figure that once every four years is good enough.

1405. Most of the time only half of the voters vote and generally it’s the wrong half.

1406. Millions of Americans aren’t working but thank heavens they’ve got jobs.

1407. If you want an enemy, just try to convince a fool that he is wrong.

1408. A still tongue makes no enemies.

1409. Sign on highway, “All in favor of conserving gasoline raise your right foot.”

1410. Enjoy yourself. These are the good old days you’re going to miss in the years ahead.

1411. Americans sink millions in unsound financial schemes, one of which is trying to keep up with the neighbors.

1412. The only one it’s worth envying is the person who doesn’t envy.

1413. Envy provides the mud that failure throws at success.

1414. Envy is usually the mother of gossip.

1415. Jealousy is to soul what sickness is to body.

1416. The sunlight of love will kill all the germs of jealousy and hate.

1417. A sure cure for conceit is a visit to the cemetery.

1418. There is justice for all but it doesn’t seem to be equally divided.

1419. Childish errors are not always made by children.

1420. To err is understandable, to admit it is unlikely.

1421. An error doesn’t become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.

1422. Defending your faults and errors only proves that you have no intention of fixing them.

1423. The person who never makes an error, never plays ball.

1424. The chief evil of many people consists not so much of doing evil, but in permitting it.

1425. The love of money and the lack of it is the root of all kinds of evil.

1426. How far a fisherman stretches the truth depends on the length of his arms.

1427. Gossip is like a balloon, it grows bigger with every puff.

1428. Man is inclined to exaggerate everything- except his own mistakes.

1429. Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.

1430. People take your example far more seriously than your advice.

1431. Excuses fool no one except the person who makes them.

1432. Never give an excuse that you would not be willing to accept.

1433. When you don’t want to do anything, one excuse is as good as another.

1434. An honest executive is someone who shares the credit with the man that did the work.

1435. The best executive is the one who has the sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

1436. The chief executive once told his underlings, “The day of the yes-man is over. Does everyone agree?”

1437. If it weren’t for picketing many Americans wouldn’t walk at all.

1438. Jumping to conclusions is about the only excise some people get.

1439. The best exercise today is hunting for bargains.

1440. Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility, and pushing their luck.

1441. About the only part of the body that is over-exercised is the lower jaw.

1442. A sleepwalker is the only person who gets his rest and his exercise at the same time.

1443. A wise man learns from the experience of others. An ordinary man learns from his own experience. A fool learns by nobody’s experience.

1444. Some people learn from experience; others, from experience don’t speak.

1445. Experience is the best teacher, but no man lives long enough to graduate.

1446. Experience is what tells you to watch your step, and is also what you get if you don’t.

1447. When you pay for experience, be sure to keep your receipt.

1448. Old fools are the biggest fools. This is quite natural because they’ve had the most experience.

1449. A person becomes wise by observing what happens when he isn’t.

1450. Our wisdom comes largely from our experience, and our experience comes largely from our foolishness.

1451. The public would have greater respect for the judgments of experts if the experts would agree.

1452. The expert is always able to create confusion out of simplicity.

1453. Extravagance is anything you buy that you can’t put on a credit card.

1454. Thanks to inflation it’s costing more than ever to live beyond our means.

1455. The hardest thing about facts is to face them.

1456. There is nothing as effective as facts to spoil a good rumor.

1457. People should keep their mouths shut and their pens dry until they know the facts.

1458. Getting the facts is only half the job; the other half is to use them intelligently.

1459. Facts mean nothing until they are rightly understood, rightly related, and rightly interpreted.

1460. Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has the right to be wrong about the facts.

1461. A thousand possibilities don’t make one fact.

1462. A gossip is one who can give you all the details without knowing any of the facts.

1463. It’s a lot easier to form an opinion when you have only a few of the facts.

1464. Formula for failure; try to please everybody.

1465. A man is a failure who goes through life earning nothing but money.

1466. No one is a failure who can truly say, “I have done my best.”

1467. Fear of failure is the father of failure.

1468. Failure always catches up with those who sit down and wait for success.

1469. Why is it that man like to credit themselves for their success and blame G-d for their failures?

1470. Faith is like an airplane – when you stop, you drop.

1471. Doubt makes the mountain which faith can move.

1472. No one has more faith than the person who plays the slot machine.

1473. Men need a faith that will not shrink when washed in the waters of affliction and adversity.

1474. There is no better demonstration of faith than man planting seed in the ground.

1475. Faith is something like electricity. You can’t see it but you can see the light.

1476. When we do what we can, G-d will do what we can’t.

1477. Some people ask G-d to guide them then they grab the steering wheel.

1478. Faith may move mountains, but only hard work can put a tunnel through.

1479. Many a family argument has been saved by the telephone or the doorbell.

1480. A lot of American families are so poor that they have only one car and one boat.

1481. Happy laughter and family voices in the home will keep more kids off the street at night than the strictest curfew.

1482. Motivation without knowledge produces fanaticism.

1483. Fanaticism is the false fire of an overheated brain.

1484. People that believe that what goes down must come up are called farmers.

1485. Most people have plenty of speed but often they don’t know which direction they are going.

1504. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you have to eat them.

1505. Among the mysteries of life is how eating a two pound box of candy can make one gain five pounds.

1507. Anybody who thinks there’s free speech in this country has never been on a psychiatrist’s couch.

1508. With money you can buy all the friends you want but they are never worth the price.

1509. Having money and friends is easy. Having friends and no money is an accomplishment.

1511. The friend who is constantly trying to correct your faults is not you friend but rather your critic

1512. A loyal friend is someone who sticks up for you even when you’re not there.

1513. A friend that it is worth having is one who will listen to your deepest hurts, and feel that they are his own.

1516. People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble holding their friends.

1518. A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

1520. The first time a man bets he bets to win. The rest of the time he’s trying to get even.

1523. Sometimes a person goes to Las Vegas out of curiosity and comes home out of funds.

1524. A lasting gift to a child is the gift of a parent’s listening ear – and heart.

1526. One of the nice things about Chanukah is that you can make people forget about the past with a present.

1529. Support the poor with your money. You can’t take it with you but you can send it up ahead.

1530. Nothing makes you want to talk about it as much as giving charity anonymously.

1537. Anyone can be a sure shot if he shoots first and draws the circle afterwards.

1540. If you keep your head and your heart going in the right direction then you will not have to worry about where your feet will take you.

1541. G-d provides us with the ingredients for our daily bread, but He expects us to do the baking.

1542. It’s pretty hard for G-d to guide the man who hasn’t made up his mind which way he wants to go.

1543. It’s important we remember that G-d still has His hands on the steering wheel of the universe.

1544. Doctors measure physical health by how the tongue looks, but G-d measures spiritual health by how the tongue acts.

1545. Those who go against the grain of Torah law shouldn’t complain when they get splinters.

1549. Maybe G-d allows some people to get into trouble because that is the only time they think of him.

1551. Spreading gossip is impossible if we refuse to listen – or to believe it.

1555. A slanderer differs from the assassin only in that he murders the reputation of people instead of the body.

1559. The measure of a great man is not the number of servants he has but the number of people he serves.

1560. A good leader inspires man to have confidence in him. A great leader inspires man to have confidence in themselves.

1563. To be happy, do not add to your possessions but subtract from your desires.

1564. It isn’t your position that makes you happy or unhappy rather it’s your disposition.

1565. Happiness is discovering that the slip of paper under your windshield is just an advertisement.

1567. Everybody you know can make you happy, some by arriving and some by leaving.

1568. The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are counting their troubles.

1569. You will be happy if you give people a bit of your heart rather than a piece of your mind.

1570. The secret of happiness lies not in doing what you like but in liking what you do.

1571. Hatred is a boomerang that is sure to hit you harder than the one at whom you threw it.

1573. Many people suffer poor health not because of what they eat, but from what is eating them.

1574. Hardening of the heart ages people more quickly than hardening of the arteries.

1575. To change one’s character you must begin at the control center – the heart.

1579. Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is put on them.

1584. The man is still the boss in the American home as long as he allows his wife to make all the decisions.

1585. Live your life that your autograph should be wanted instead of you fingerprints.

1587. A hospital should have a recovery room adjacent to the cashier’s office.

1588. Love at first sight might be all right, but it’s worth taking a second look.

1590. There is no real peace as long as G-d is not seated at the conference table.

1592. You would be surprised at how many people are like a base drum – with plenty of noise, but nothing on the inside.

1593. While some people reach the pinnacle of fame, others reach the height of folly.

1595. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother claims she has it.

1596. The only way man can attain perfection is to follow the advice he gives to others.

1597. Just over the hill is a beautiful valley, but you must climb the hill to see it.

1601. The road to success often runs uphill so don’t expect to break any speed records.

1602. Advice is never appreciated. If it turns out well, the recipient thinks it was his own idea, and if it turns out badly, he eternally blames the giver.

1603. An alcoholic is not one who drinks too much, but one who can’t drink enough.

1604. The size of a man is measured by the size of the thing that makes him angry.

1605. Constructive criticism is when I criticize you. Destructive criticism is when you criticize me.

1607. Knowing what’s none of your business is just as important as knowing what is.

1608. Many people believe in law and order as long as they can lay down the law and give the orders.

1609. We can’t lead someone else to the light when we are standing in the dark.

1612. Many a politician who considers himself farsighted is a poor judge of distance.

1613. There are two sides to every question, and if you wish to be popular you must take both.

1619. When your head cold moves down to your chest it’s time to change doctors.

1620. When a doctor doesn’t know what’s wrong with you he calls it a virus. When he does know and can’t cure it, he calls it an allergy.

1622. A consulting doctor is one who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.

1623. A surgeon wears a mask while performing an operation so that if he makes a mess of it the patient won’t know who did it.

1624. The appendix may not be useful to man but just look at what it has done to the medical profession.

1625. A doctor told his patient, “I’m afraid you are beyond medical help. You have a cold.”

1628. A skillful politician is one who stands up and rocks the boat and then makes you believe that he’s the only one who can fix it.

1629. Politicians should be very good in geometry. They know all the angels and talk in circles.

1632. It’s not bad for politicians to remember that no newspaper can misquote silence.

1633. Sometimes when a politician changes his mind it doesn’t work any better than his old one.

1634. A defeated candidate is someone who doesn’t believe that the majority is always right.

1635. There are two sides to every question and a politician usually takes both.

1636. If you lie to people to get their money it’s called fraud. If you lie to them to get their vote that’s called politics.

1638. Politics and music are much alike. The person who is off-key always seems to have the loudest voice.

1641. Old-timers used to say that anyone could become president, and sometimes it seems as if they were right.

1643. Several million people in this country cannot read or write. They devote themselves to composing our popular songs.

1644. One sure way to speed up the postal service is to send all the postal employees their paychecks by mail.

1645. The fellow who said “What goes up must come down,” must have lived before they invented postal rates and taxes.

1647. The poorest of all men is not the one without a cent but the man without a dream.

1650. A real friend warms you by his presence, trusts you with his secrets, and remembers you in his prayers.

1652. It’s not the body’s posture but the hearts attitude that counts when we pray.

1653. Sign on school building. “In event of an earthquake or tornado, the Supreme Court ruling against prayer in school will be temporarily suspended.”

1656. If you would have G-d hear you when you pray, you must hear Him when He speaks.

1657. The mistake a lot of people make when they pray is putting in too many commercials.

1659. Preachers should be sure of what they are saying. Sometimes the audience might be listening.

1660. There are two types of teachers; one kind that has something to say, and the other has to say something.

1661. Preachers don’t talk in their sleep; they talk in other people’s sleep.

1662. It’s better to put your finger on a problem than sticking your nose into it.

1663. Until a man becomes rich, he doesn’t realize how many old friends he has.

1665. When a speaker says, “Well to make a long story short,” it’s usually too late.

1666. A quarrel is like buttermilk. The longer it stands the more sour it becomes.

1667. A radio announcer talks until you have a headache and then tries to sell you something to relieve it.

1668. Auto accidents prove that telephone poles are getting more careless all the time.

1669. Most accidents are caused while motorists drive in high while their minds are in neutral.

1670. Americans are a religious people. You can tell by they trust in G-d by the way they drive,

1671. It’s not the used cars that are a menace on the highways but rather the misused cars.

1672. The biggest need in auto safety is the recall of a few million defective drivers.

1675. Better step on the brakes and be laughed at than step on the gas and be cried over.

1676. If you are determined to drive with your head in the clouds, than you are almost certain to find a place there.

1678. The way some people drive, it pays to look both ways when you cross a one-way street.

1680. Some people think that religion is like a parachute – something to grab when an emergency occurs.

1681. You can’t repent too soon, because you don’t know how soon it may be too late.

1682. It seems that more people repent for fear of punishment than change of heart.

1684. Reputation is what you need to get a job; character is what you need to keep it.

1687. A man has three names; the name he inherited the name his parents gave him, and the name he makes for himself.

1688. Reputation is a large bubble which bursts when you try to blow it up yourself.

1691. Have you ever noticed that it’s much easier to forgive an enemy after you get even with him?

1694. The trouble with the road to riches these days is that there are too many toll booths along the way.

1695. There is nothing wrong with man possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess them.

1696. There are two ways of being rich. One is to have all you want, and the other is to be satisfied with what you have.

1698. There is a new margarine on the market named RUMOR which spreads easily and quickly.

1699. We still don’t understand how rumors without a leg to stand on get around so fast.

1700. A rumor is like a check. Never endorse it till you are sure it’s genuine.

1701. Whenever we fan the flames of a rumor we are likely to get burned ourselves.

1703. One of Moscow’s finest hotels boasts that there is a television in every room – only it watches you.

1704. The main difference between Russia and the United States is that in Russia the state owns everything and in the United States the finance companies do.

1705. Russia is about the only country in the world where nobody sits up all night to see how the elections turned out.

1706. A prominent Russian newspaper announces that it plans to run a contest for the best political joke. First prize is twenty years.

1709. The greatest reward for serving others is the satisfaction found in your own heart.

1710. A scandal is what half the world takes pleasure in inventing and the other half in believing.

1711. Nothing grieves a child more than to study the wrong lesson and learn something he wasn’t supposed to.

1712. Science can predict an eclipse of the sun many years in advance but still cannot accurately predict the weather over the weekend.

1713. Scientists tell us the universe is made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons, but forget to mention morons.

1714. Look at cows and remember that the greatest scientists have still not discovered how to convert grass into milk.

1715. Spilling the salt might be bad luck but spilling the beans is much more dangerous.

1716. The idea some people have of keeping a secret is to lower their voice when they tell it.

1719. One of the most difficult secrets for a man to keep is his opinion of himself.

1728. The troubles with alarm clocks are that they always go off when you are sleeping.

1730. A smile is the lighting system for the face and the heating system for the heart.

1733. The business of a leader is to turn weakness into strength, obstacles into stepping stones, and disaster into triumph.

1734. If you’re going to climb, you’ve got to grab the branches not the blossoms.

1737. The man with a new idea is often considered a crank until the idea succeeds.

1738. The problem with people nowadays is that they want to go to the Promised Land without going through the wilderness.

1739. Skiing is one major sport where success starts at the top and works its way down.

1740. Don’t forget the people who are holding the ladder while you are climbing to success.

1741. No one has yet climbed the ladder of success with his hands in his pockets.

1742. Suspicion is like a pair of dark glasses – it makes the whole world look dark.

1749. Tact is the art of removing the stinger from the bee without getting stung.

1750. Tact is the ability to keep silent while two friends are arguing and you know that both of them are wrong.

1754. Usually the first screw that gets lost in the head is the one that controls the tongue.

1756. The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.

1758. The easiest way to get a teenage boy quite is to ask him where he has been when he gets home.

1759. To a teenager, liquid asserts consist of a refrigerator filled with soft drinks.

1761. Women and telephones repeat what they hear, but the telephone repeats it exactly.

1764. Before you give someone a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left.

1778. Always be tolerant with a person who disagrees with you. After all, he has a right to his ridiculous opinions.

1779. Tolerance is the patience shown by a wise man when he listens to an ignoramus.

1781. The human tongue is only a few inches from the brain, but when you listen to some people talk, they seem miles apart.

1783. You can find the world’s shortest sermon on a traffic sign. “Keep right.”

1786. Lies don’t live as long as the truth does, but its birth rate is much higher.

1791. Seeing ourselves the way others see us wouldn’t do us any good, because most of us wouldn’t believe what we saw.

1795. Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.

1796. It’s better to look where you are going than to see where you’ve been.

1798. The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.

1800. Wise men always know more than they tell, while fools tell more than they know.

1802. A dictionary is a guide to the spelling of words – provided you know how to spell them.

1803. Virus is a Latin word used by doctors meaning, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

1805. Foreign dictators are difficult to figure out. You can never know whether they are smart men bluffing or imbeciles who mean it.

1806. The world is composed of givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.

1811. In this life the old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything.

1812. One of the advantages of being young is that you don’t let common sense get in the way of doing things everybody else knows are impossible.

1814. It seems that lots of people want an occupation that doesn’t keep them occupied.

1817. It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

A good way to get your name into the newspaper is to try and cross the street reading one.

1818. A teacher received a note from a parent asking him to excuse his son from school’ “Please excuse Yossi from school. He has a virus infection and I am having him shot today.”

1820. Most people don’t actually want a more expensive car. They want an expensive car that cost less.

1821. A student was asked by his teacher, “If cows give us milk, and chickens give us eggs, what do horses gives us?”

1823. “Tell me,“ said a man to his friend a painter. “Why is it that you only paint landscapes?”

“Because a tree never complains that I haven’t done it justice,” he replied.

1824. A twelve year boy describes “mixed emotions”: It’s like hearing that school is closed because of a blizzard while being in bed with the flue.”

1825. As a teacher explained that conjunctions were words that connect other words in a sentence he asked students to give examples.

1827. “Well Moshi,” asked his father. “Were you a good boy in school today?”

“Sure thing,” he replied. “How much trouble can you get into standing in the corner all day?”

1828. Overheard in a local kindergarten: “Shlomie, it’s just a scratch, so please don’t cry.” “I’m not going to cry,” said Shlomie. “I’m going to sue!”

1829. When the little boy couldn’t find his boots, the teacher asked him if he was sure that the last pair of boots left in the corner were not his. “No,” he replied. “Mine had snow on them.”

1830. A teacher asked the class to suppose that a cow’s tail was a leg. “How many legs would the cow now have,” he asked?

“Wrong,” said the teacher. “Simply calling a cow’s tail a leg doesn’t make it into a leg.”

1831. Teacher: “If there are any morons in the class who don’t understand what I just said please stand up.” After a short pause, one bright student stood up.

1832. Boy handing report card to parent: “Look this over and see if I can sue for defamation of character,” he asked.

1834. Mother to son’s teacher: “I’m sure you realize that my son is a genius. He has many original ideas.”

1838. It isn’t the walking that wears you out but rather the grains of sand in your shoe.

1839. Your students may forget what you said, but they never forget how you made them feel.

1840. If you want to speed a package through the mail try writing the words “Fresh fish,” on the package.

1841. A guy once called Shomrim to report that his car had been stolen. When Shomrim asked him if he was able to see the thief’s face or get a description of him, he replied that he couldn’t get to see him clearly but he was able to get his license plate number.

1842. A little boy calls his mom and says, “mom, which would you rather have happen – I fall off a big oak tree or I tear my pants?”

1843. “I don’t mean to scare you,” said a 7-year-old to his teacher, “but my father says that if I don’t get better marks on my next report card somebody’s going to get spanked.”

“I’m not really sure,” replied the father, “but judging from his letters, he’ll probably wind up being a great fund-raiser.”

1845. A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

“I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

“Strike One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he tossed the ball into the air once again. When it came down, he swung again and missed.

“Strike two!” he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more.

“I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” Again he tossed the ball up into the air, swung at it. He missed.

“Strike three!” “Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”

A man fell down a flight of stairs and somebody rushed over to help him asks. “did you miss a step?”

1846. Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional press them all.

1847. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

1848. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

1849. When a judge once asked Yosel the famous Chelem thief why he had stolen the car, he replied that he had seen it parked right in front of a cemetery so he thought that the owner was dead!

1850. Did you hear about the owner of an electronics store that received a phone call in the middle of the night. “Hi,” said the voice at the other end. “I’m Mr.Goldstien, and I’d like to thank you for the wonderful air-conditioner that you sold me. It really works well.”

“Your quite welcome” replied Mr. Goldstien sleepily, “but tell me, why are you calling me at one o’clock in the morning?”

1851. Two identical twins once walked into someone’s house. One perceiving that the guy looked very bewildered at seeing them they remarked “we’re just twins. That’s why we look alike?” The drunken man stared back at them and said “all four of you?”

1852. When a teacher was asked to give two reasons why he entered the teaching profession he replied “July and August.”

1853. Kids never seem to understand why parents make them go to sleep when they are wide-awake and make them get up when they’re still sleepy?

1854. When a teacher asked his class before Thanksgiving “What must we be thankful for?” one student replied, “I’m thankful I’m not a turkey!”

1855. A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make over a million a year when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

After a speaker had been introduced to the audience with a very long introduction telling of all his great qualities and achievements, the speaker began by saying “Thank you for that wonderful introduction but I believe you forgot to tell the audience how modest I am!”

1856. A man was brought into the hospital for having drunk a bottle marked poison. The doctor asked him why he would drink a bottle clearly marked poison.

1857. As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

1858. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

1859. A teacher once said to his student, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” The student immediately replied, “When he was your age, he was president.”

1860. Professor to noisy students: “Why is it that every time I open my mouth some fool speaks.”

1861. A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I? When one student replied that he was exactly 44, the Professor asked, “You’re correct, but tell me how you figured it out?” The student quickly replied, “You see professor, I have a brother, that’s 22 and he’s only half nuts.”

1862. A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

1863. Faisal was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man (he had seen the fishing rods in the back). "Ummm, yeah..." replied Faisal, somewhat startled.

A Collection of

Bright Sayings

and

Words of Wisdom

for all occasions

Collected and

Edited by

Rabbi Eli Teitelbaum